“as my memory rests but never forgets what I lost wake me up when September ends”- Green Day

I remember things in a non-linear fashion. Time is, as The Doctor says, “wibbly wobbly”.

I remember staying with her when she lived in Sacramento before she was diagnosed with cancer. I remember going to Santa Cruz and her shoving calamari in my face after driving in her jeep wrangler listening to top 40 music–Avril Lavigne was a favorite of hers for road trips.

I remember going up for a Snow patrol show that ended up being cancelled due to Gary having laryngitis (I still haven’t seen them live) so we just wandered and hung out.
I rode the train to see her often. I went with her to her doctor appointments. My mom took her Me & Ed’s pizza on the train once.

We drank a lot of coffee and smoked. Sometime we drank Bailey’s with a splash of coffee.

She lived with my mom and I when I was in high school prior to moving to Sacramento. Her and my mom went drinking one night and my mom got so drunk on tequila (out drinking some guy) that she threw up in Lori’s car. I held a mirror to my mom’s nose the next morning to make sure she was alive when my jumping on her bed didn’t wake her. We found a 3 day old kitten and named her Fuglee, ignoring mom’s disdain for the name. Fuglee became mom’s 4th kid. When we had to put her to sleep, I felt like I lost the last piece to Lori.

I remember seeing the Backstreet Boys with her, mom, and Donna and Jen at the Arco arena. We ate at the Hard Rock cafe and got condoms from the vending machine in the bathroom–we’d never seen that before.

I remember her flirting with male waiters much younger than her. She’d leave her number on the receipts for them.

We watched Charmed a lot. She wanted “the thing from the show”. When I figured out she meant a triquetra, I got her one. I wish I’d have got it back after she died.

I remember her always being on my side and knowing she’d always love and support me. How proud she was of me, even when she didn’t say it aloud. I was who I was, even when I wasn’t sure who that was, and she respected me and never tried to change me.

I remember when she’d try to hotbox me in the car while I drove. Blowing pot smoke into my face when we were at “home” and getting a contact high from her medicinal marijuana. I remember the first time I actually smoked pot, many years later. It was the first time I was able to listen to Run by Snow Patrol and Never Gone by the Backstreet Boys without crying. After listening to them for an hour, I walked to the beach and listened to them as the day gave way to night and the waves washed over the sand. Sober they still make me cry.

I remember the tears–how I had so many, I’ll never understand. They still greet me unexpectedly. The feel of the cold aggregate floor as I sobbed, knowing she’d not wake up from the coma. Reading with hitched breath all the crappy poems and prose I’d written that no one has heard (except her if she was able to in her unconscious state). I remember wishing my mom had been there. I remember being grateful that my dad came and gave me the hug I didn’t know I needed–our tumultuous relationship paused then.

I remember when she wasn’t there anymore.
I remember when I graduated from college (first community, then state) and how shattered I was that she wasn’t there for my milestones.

Every September 13th is a day of reflection, a reliving of loss, a day of mourning, a day a memories, a day of smiles and tears. Though it is easier as years pass, there is little that makes this day any easier or better. I focus on the better times we had as much as I can, but it’s hard to keep the good and bad separate.

I lost a lot 7 years ago. I had to say goodbye to a best friend, a sister, a mom, a guide, a hero. I lost my Faery Lori and it still hurts and I miss her constantly.

~ by ashleebones on September 14, 2012.